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Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
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2:21 pm - holy shite, i havent touched this in forever.
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well here it is, a few monthes later, a hundred cigarettes, and several bottles of wine. if any one ever looks at this, shite has changed, and i might as well tell you.
so meg brakes up with me 2 days before i drive 6 fucking hours to see her. her reasoning? she didnt love me any more. for fuck's sake, that's so honest it makes my teeth hurt.
so i brake my hand on sean's face the night of my eighteenth birthday, 3 days after meg stops loving me.
so i join a second band, and i'm making very very dark electronic music, along the lines of the faint's Danse Macabe album.
my album will be out very soon, but i need a band name first... then art...
i moved out. living in martinsburg.
writing a book. still...
by the way, love doesnt exist, i've been studying it it myself and everyone i know, those out of love see how wrong they were all along, and those still in it, their IQ drops 25 to 50 points at least. it's self-fulfulling prophecy, making whatever you want true. it's crap, i mean. still, those of us out of it, we miss it...
if anyone gives a shite, my cell phone number is (304) 582 2545 and i could use some people to talk to some time...
okay, whatever, i'm sure i'll touch this again sometime.
bye.
current mood:  cynical
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 27th, 2003
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1:06 pm - a letter to meg.
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this is to meg, but you can read it too.
it's how i am.
dear meg,
i love you a whole bunch. that's a good way to start a letter.
how was rocky horror? good i hope.
all is feeling tired and naked here. not physically naked, get your mind out of the gutter, dear. not emotionally either, more just a feeling of nothing, i mean, a lack of all things to really say or feel. it's not bad, maybe.
i'm so tired of style. i'm so tired of what people look like affecting if someone likes them or not. what stores you shop at defining your personality. if i could, i'd be a nudist. no one calls you a poser nudist. maybe be a hobo. just wear whatever i find in dumpsters, forgeting color and size. just stop shaving, cutting or dying my hair, and trying to look like anything.
if i could be anything ever, i'd be fog. there's nothing more amazing than the fog that graces the roads at 2 or 3 in the morning. and you dont notice it unless you're looking for it, it makes the world beautiful by not being noticed. and it can hear everything you say, just by being there and you not noticing it.
my mom has these spots on her spine that might be cancer.
there's really nothing else to say.
i'm gonna put this whole letter on my Lj if that's okay.
if you're online tonight, 11 30 maybe, i'd love to talk to you.
i love you.
-ben
current mood: fucked.
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| Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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10:25 pm - dream about sex.
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people, guys, they dream about sex. they dream about fucking movie stars. mindless sexual indulgence. hot dirty sex with everyone, movie starlets, their girlfriends, their ex's, everyone.
me, i dream about being close to someone. not even sexually, just my arms being warm from being wrapped around her, her head resting on my neck, feeling someone else's heartbeat, that complete lack of self consciousness you feel, that's what i dream about. it's a better feeling than any orgasm, in my opinion.
and the only girl i really care to dream about is quantumly far away.
time and space.
three years time.
300 miles space.
and any guy that heard me talking would say i'm gay. i get that a lot. gay and a dramaqueen. fuck, it's all probably true. let's throw in drag queen too. dont really care anymore.
everything goes on.
current mood: falling apart, maybe.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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2:47 pm - hmm.
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long time no update, so here i am.
i saw chuck palahniuk monday, that was an amazing experience, made me rethink just about everything, tho especially my writing. you know, maybe not especially that, maybe especially everything.
speaking or thinking, i've been doing a lot of that. college, life, death, love, hate.
specifically, how i cant really afford college at all, and what the hell to do about all that, how life and death are parallel ideas, and how one is neccessary for the other to exist, and how i may hate myself but i just want to love others.
maybe i just want to hate most others.
but there's a few...
who knows?
i've got no control over my emotions, ideas or feelings, and maybe i dont want that control, being more incomplete thus being more of a real person.
i often doubt if i'm real at all. if any of this is.
today is meg's birthday, so happy birthday meg, and i love you.
i'll post again, maybe, when i sort some of this out, but right now, i've got characters and storylines floating thru my head, and i need to go to work.
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Monday, September 15th, 2003
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1:34 pm - hah!
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I'm going to see chuck palahniuk tonight.
and you're not.
HAH!
that is all.
current mood:  ecstatic
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
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1:21 pm - hmm...
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so... i'm in love, it seems.
that is all for now.
current mood: thoughtful
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 17th, 2003
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7:02 pm - tonight
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tonight, i'm over at will's new appartment.
shmeh. may be fun. may not. who knows?
everyone, go listen to depeche mode.
and the cure.
and modest mouse.
anyways, i e-mailed you, meg.
that's all for now.
current mood:  okay
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 16th, 2003
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2:33 am - life
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life goes on.
no need to freak out.
everything works out eventually.
i recorded for a few hours, it was good.
art reminds me why i'm here.
so i've gone thru my history, and it turns out, that i've said "i love you" to a total of 4 people in my entire existence, excluding parents, who i dont know how often i've said it to anyways.
interesting fact, or stupid thing to bring up, who knows.
it's night, i'm talking to meg, music is good, i'm okay now.
that's all.
current mood: okay
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| Friday, August 15th, 2003
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4:18 pm - this mess i am.
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what a crappy day.
freaking aweful.
i want to curse.
less than 6 hours of sleep last night. (i was up talking to meg, which is far far better than sleep, but still, i hate mornings.)
my boss didnt give me next friday off like i needed to record. never gonna finish this damn album. damnit.
this messed me up,
i thought i saw josie this morning.
(josie, you know the one, i was in love with her for 4 years, she unwittingly gave me this horrible fear of rejection i've got, then got sent to bording school for some heavy drug crap.
yeah, that's the one.)
her brother came in to my work to buy coffee or something, and he was with this girl i didn't quite recognize, and my initial reaction was, "holy shit, that's josie."
rather than joy or excitement, i just felt like i was gonna throw up and was about to run out of the room. that was a bad situation for me.
then, it wasnt her.
point being, there was this huge flood of fucked up emotions i didnt want to deal with.
boy, i'm such a drama queen.
i did really crappy work for the rest of the day.
i almost started crying a couple times today. woo. i dont like it. bad vibes. lots of stuff. ack.
you know, nothing's all that bad in perspective. maybe i just like to complain. stupid emotion and overthought (about everything, not just the josie dealy), taking control of me, i should be better than it all.
fuck, i feel lonely right now.
gonna go record,
then come home and hopefully talk to meg. that'd be nice.
i think i'll stop bitching, maybe.
current mood:  stressed
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| Thursday, August 14th, 2003
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10:31 pm - on love
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i like love.
saying the word, hearing the word, feeling the word, all of it.
...that's all for now.
current mood: happy
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12:56 pm - Emily Dickinson.
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this is a new poem.
it's called "Emily Dickinson"
first kisses
are all misses.
end of your nose,
your cheek, your chin.
i never ever win,
but i try so hard.
my lungs are full
of words and smoke,
but there's no need to impress,
just confess the thoughts i thought.
i want
to want
what i forgot.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
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8:38 am - yesterday
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number 1 from yesterday,
it was great. hanging out. swimming. playing with eve's kitten named bright eyes.
actually being close to someone. that was such a foreign idea to me.
but yeah, meg's pretty awesome.
and i'm in love with her singing voice.
i'd say more, but i'm only half awake.
who knows?
today, i'm going to visit relatives, including my dying grandfather. it's going to be odd.
tomorrow, i'm going home. woo. then work. double woo. those were all 3 sarcastic woos.
this has been an awesome awesome week, do i really need to ruin it by going home?
i'm starting to look at colleges in this area (va beach) because i need somewhere to go, and i like it here, good company, good vibes.
also, planning to come back in november for mine and sean's collective birthday (him, the 7th, me, the 8th) and hopefully that will work out.
but that's enough talking for this morning, i need to pack my stuff up. darned 5 hours of sleep. tired. so tired.
current mood:  tired
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2:50 am - geez, what an amazing day.
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geez, what an amazing day.
it can be divided into 2 distinctly amazing parts.
being, 1 day with meg and sean and eve, and 2 art creation on the beach at night.
i'll do 2 first since it just happened.
me and sean, we went to the beach around 1 am for purposes unknown, however, we soon found purpose.
we saw trash cans. lots of them. white with grey trash bags. in these trash recepticles, we saw art. then we made it.
we stacked these trash cans into a 9 foot tall triangle, labeling it art in the sand.
there is now a 5 block section without any trashcans, then a pyramid.
people will see it, then think.
people will wonder.
we will have won wether they love it or think it's shit.
we will have won if they see it and think anything at all.
we made trash into art, and that's winning.
as far as 1, it was great. awesome even. i'll go into it more later. right now, it's 3 15 and i want some sleep.
also, meg has my favorite singing voice ever.
she's on my favorite people list.
but i'll go into it later, like i said.
goodnight, self.
current mood: content
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| Monday, August 11th, 2003
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1:25 am - ...
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1:20 am - today.
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i'm at seans.
and today,
i met meg.
she was geM.
now, i've met her, so she has a real name.
it was good.
makes me smile.
it was good.
that's all for now.
current mood: happy
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| Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
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5:22 pm - under the palm trees
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here's a song.
i like it.
Under the Palm Trees
Paintings dripping from the ceiling,
Hands still wet, or am I bleeding?
It’s quite a color that we’re feeling.
What is this that we’ve been feeding?
Feeling something [just like the masses.]
Raise your hands and toast all your glasses.
Insecurity always passes.
Oh , here’s your boyfriend [back to hassle us.]
It’s such a funny thing we’re growing into down here
Under the palm trees.
Pretty little body contorted
Into the best that she could afford and
Nothing will be as good as the first taste.
[But who said we were human in the first place?]
And the chorus screams along all the lyrics,
Murderers, failures, all of the heretics.
Useless, useless, it’s only useless,
Locked in the basement, it’s just the two of us.
And it’s such a funny thing that we’re growing into down here
Under the palm trees.
Our eyes wont open enough to let the light in.
[Or maybe we’re just sick of all your fighting.]
Squeeze so the grip on our throat begins to tighten.
Milk carton’s scream, asking for your sightings.
So the chorus screams along all the lyrics,
Murderers, lovers, all of the heretics.
Useless, useless, it’s only useless,
Locked in our heartache, it’s just the two of us.
It’s such a funny thing that we’re growing into down here
Under the palm trees.
current mood: happy
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 3rd, 2003
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11:19 pm - what i am.
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so here i am.
songs being recorded,
books being writen.
love being pondered.
hair dyed.
clothes dirty.
feet bare.
overweight.
underachieved.
confused.
contemplative.
as i often do, thoughts drift back to love lost, and love unrecognized, and love wrongly named so.
think forward to love in the future, or maybe the present.
think to the beach in a few days. think to seeing sean and painting and thinking and talking.
think to meeting geM and making her fall in love with me thru my utter brillance and muli-talented prowess(mwahahah).
think to sarcasm, comedy, and cynicism as coping mechanisms for all my inaddequacies.
think to the list of inadequacies.
life goes on.
happiness is fleeting so dont agrue with it, darling.
if i could make someone happy, i'd be happy more often.
current mood: thoughtful
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(comment on this)
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10:44 pm - Disappointments
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not too new song, give it a read too, i guess, if you want
Disappointments
(verse 1)
I tried to fall in love
A girl from up above
Like atom bombs or some kind of angel
We put it to the test
Half-drunk and half-dressed
“I’d like to be you’re disappointment”
Sloppy misaimed kiss
Just caught your bottom lip
Now to bow out as gracefully as possible
(verse 2)
Tried to lose control
But just ended up cold
Now I’ve got this big shinning scar
The drunks are all alike
I lost her every night
And every morning we were in love again
We both did all the drugs
And I caught all the bugs
But in the end we were always the same
(verse 3)
Let’s go to square one
Because nothing left is fun
In this place I have put myself
So let’s take all that’s green
And burn it until it’s clean
I hold you to a higher standard
All my perfect fears
Have faded from the real
And all that’s left is scary and brand new
current mood: content
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10:41 pm - Blah, Blah, Blah.
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new poem, give it a read, if you want
Blah, Blah, Blah.
“Is he drunk?
Or is he just charming?”
Sometimes her thoughts
Are far too alarming
To ignore.
“A kiss is a kiss is a kiss”
Is a bruise
On her forearm.
That sickly yellow
Will fade only as fast
As her memory.
“Blah, blah, blah.”
Her love lost lips
Speak volumes of nothing.
And somehow we’ve been here before.
current mood: complacent
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, August 1st, 2003
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4:55 pm - talk is cheap, and so am i.
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good old life.
things arent good, very often at all, it seems.
this aunt i have, she ODed yesterday.
aint that some shit?
not dead, apparently, tho.
so that's good, i guess.
grandfather still dying, i think.
i'm sad, i think.
bad day at work, i think.
(so what? nobody cares, you dumb little fuck.
you complain so much, how can people tell when it's real from when you're whoring yourself for pity?)
shut up, voice in my head.
(no, i dont think i will.)
okay. that's okay.
i need a vacation.
(from what? your perfect life? stop complaining, jack ass. bad things are happening around you, but you're life is freaking sunshine so stop complaining, you jack ass.)
i'm sorry, voice.
(stop appologizing, too, people hate that.)
okay. that's okay.
well i'm still going on vacation. thursday, va. beach. yeah, i'm excited.
(just stop talking, no one reads this anyways. you're talking to yourself, just like you always do. so please, stop boring me. me being you.)
well, that's enough for now. goodbye, anyone but probably me.
"there's a virgin in my bed,
and she's taking off her dress,
and i don't know what i am gonna do.
there's a song stuck in my head,
and i can't help singing it.
oh how i hope my singing pleases you,
'cause this is not who i've become,
but what you made me into."
(from "the trees get wheeled away" by bright eyes.)
current mood:  discontent
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